Top Ten Excuses for Missing Shul

These are the Top Ten Excuses for Missing Shul on Shabbos Morning. Please use them with discretion.

Excuse Number 10: The Dog ate my Shabbos Shoes

Excuse Number 9: The Cholent overpowered me and wouldn't let me leave the house

Excuse Number 8: I was meditating on a higher plane and lost track of existence

Excuse Number 7: It wasn't Shabbos in Australia

Excuse Number 6: I was kidnapped and taken to the college football, and I only just escaped (and walked back on foot)

Excuse Number 5: Aliens landed on my front lawn and demanded that I take them to my leader, so I spent Shabbos with the Rebbe

Excuse Number 4: I davened at the earlier minyan (use with caution - sometimes this excuse is not believed)

Excuse Number 3: I've become an Amshenover Chasid and it is only Tuesday for me

Excuse Number 2: The Farbrengen went on too late last night after the Tisch

And Excuse Number 1: I was so engrossed in my daf yomi that I lost track of time

(In case you missed the Tisch and the Aliens - here it is)

Top Ten Biblical Names

... That you probably won't name your kids:

In alphabetical order this time:


Number 1 Artaxerxes: Ezra 7:13-28.

Number 2 Merodach-baladan: Isaiah 39: 1

Number 3 Chedorlaomer: Bereishis 14

Number 4 Chushan-Rishathaim Shoftim 3: 8

Number 5 Gomer: HOshea 1: 3

Number 6 Hadadrimmon Zechariah 12: 11

Number 7 Ham: Bereishis 5: 32

Number 8 Ishbi-benob: Shmuel 2 21: 16

Number 9 Jeconiah: Divrei Hayamim 2 36: 9

Number 10 Maher-shalal-hash-baz: Isaiah 8: 1– 3

AND TWO BONUS NAMES I COULDN'T LEAVE OUT:

Number 11 Nun: Divre Hayamim 1 7: 26-7

Number 12 Rabmag: Yirmiyahu 39: 3,13

This is only part 1 of the list. There are so many great names in the Bible that are underused nowadays. Please feel free to add your own favourites. Keep watching for 'Top Ten Biblical Names that you probably won't name your kids' part 2. Coming soon

Top Ten Things NOT To Do During the Rabbi's Sermon

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO DURING THE RABBI'S SERMON:


(cross posted from www.torahlab.org)


Number 10: Read a book

Number 9: Pretend to be reading a book

Number 8: Read a banned book

Number 7: Fall asleep

Number 6: Fall asleep and snore loudly

Number 5: play 'Sermon Cricket' (see below)

Number 4: give a running commentary on 'Sermon Cricket' to the person next to you

Number 3: give a running commentary on 'Sermon Cricket' to the person across the room from you

Number 2: Give a live update on the current cricket test score

and the Number 1 thing not to do when the Rabbi is giving the sermon: answer your cell phone to get the latest cricket test score, after leaving it ringing loudly for quite a while first!




'Sermon Cricket'

'Sermon Cricket' is a game almost as old as cricket itself. It is loosely based on the traditional laws of cricket (though without the batsmen, balls, bowlers or wickets).

Certain phrases, such as 'parsha', 'sedra', 'torah' score a single. 'Rashi', 'Ramban' or any other Rishon is worth two runs. 'Hell', 'Heaven' or any synonym is a four. And if the Rabbi mentions 'G-d' that is a whopping great SIX.

Wickets and some runs are taken by the Rabbi's hand gestures - pointed finger being run out and a sorrowful shake of his head a turning down of a certain LBW appeal.

One Rabbi prone to a wagging digit as he rammed home his points got the entire visiting Australian side out for a virtual 9 runs!

Top Ten Words that sound as though they are Yiddish but Aren't

Top Ten Words That Sound as though they are Yiddish, but Aren't:

Number 10 - Farfetched

Number 9 - Invocation

Number 8 - Flummoxed

Number 7 - Gobsmacked

Number 6 - Innersprung

Number 5 - Gerund

Number 4 - Forefinger

Number 3 - Henpecked

Number 2 - Scooped

AND the Number 1 Word That Sounds as though it is Yiddish, but Isn't is... - Gazumped

What would you add??