New Zealand Jewish Humour

Somehow these old Jewish jokes almost sound funny when told with a New Zealand accent



You can read more about here on Jewish Humour Central

Cockney Cash

I'm not sure whether this was an April Fools article, or whether it is real, but it made me laugh (and has absolutely nothing to do with Judaism).

Apparently, according to the BBC, cash machines in east London now speak Cockney Rhyming Slang. So you insert you barrel of lard, and enter your Huckleberry Finn. Then you can choose whether to withdraw a Lady Godiva, a speckled hen, or even a full Pony.



If you are not familiar with the concept of rhyming slang here is the wikipedia entry on it. Probably the most famous example of rhyming slang is using the word 'bread' (bread and honey) for 'money', though raspberry (raspberry tart) is also well known as a euphemism for that noise you make when you stick out your tongue and blow.

My favourite example is "I haven't got a scooby" (scooby doo = clue).

There are many useful online dictionaries which translate to and from rhyming slang. But don't use it too much or people will think you are a little bit strange.

Getting Osama

I don't know your views on the Republican candidates, especially after the latest primary. Since I am only a New Zealander I am not entitled to an opinion.

On the other hand, as a Kiwi I rightfully take pride in this op ed piece from stuff (the best site for New Zealand news). Enjoy:

I'll get Osama bin Laden, said John McCain, candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, "if I have to go to the gates of hell". The crowd roared with delight.

Now, I'm as moved by biblical imagery and wild promises as the next man, but I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for McCain. He may get the Republican nomination, but I'm afraid he won't get Osama.

You see, I've already got him. I probably should have mentioned it before, but a few months ago, I got so fed up with the whole bin Laden carry-on that I simply went and killed the devil incarnate myself. It was fairly straightforward.

I packed the essentials – a Bible, the crucifix fashioned for me by blind Fabricius of Smyrna, my trusty stilettos, a couple of T-bone steaks, some garlic and a sachet of strychnine – flew Air New Zealand to Karachi then headed into the hills on a local bus with seats made from what felt like yak bone. But you have to suffer to assassinate.

I wasn't sure whether the settlement I reached was in Pakistan or Afghanistan, but then neither were the locals. It doesn't seem to matter much up there, what with them not getting newspapers or following the cricket.

To break the ice, I organised a pick-up game of rugby using a goat bladder. They loved it. When they were all relaxing afterwards, I casually asked after Osama. They turned and stared at one of the locks. He had a bit of a limp but he was tall and he gave a decent shove in the scrum.

"Osama?" I exclaimed, "the devil incarnate at the gates of hell?"

"The same," he said and he gave a little bow, then invited me to his place. It was a basic yurt, but in one corner was the hub of his sophisticated communications system so often mentioned in the press.

"Nice cellphone," I said.

"You've got to be joking," said Osama, "the coverage up here is dreadful."

He took down a video and slid it into his machine. It was dated four years from now and starred himself sitting cross- legged with a Kalashnikov and spouting the usual stuff about death to the infidel. He sat down cross-legged in front of it.

"Fancy a bite to eat?" I said pulling a steak from my bag. The way his eyes lit up was a treat to watch. I doubt he'd had a good feed in months.

"Coming right up," I said. I seared the steaks to retain the juices, before frying them with the garlic. Then I smeared one of them liberally with strychnine and handed it to old Osama. He ate without taking his eyes from the screen.

I waited for the familiar symptoms, the muscle spasms, the convulsions, the rictus. Nothing.

"How's the steak?"

"Fine," he said, "I appreciate the garlic. But at the risk of seeming rude, I think you've been a little heavy- handed with the strychnine."

The moment he spoke, he reared to his feet. And he had 10 horns and seven heads with seven diadems upon his head and on his forehead was tattooed the number of the beast and it was 666.

"Steady on," I said, but there was no placating him. His tail swept down a third of the stars of heaven, exactly as predicted in the Book of Revelation, chapter 12, verse 4, and cast them to the earth.

I reached instinctively for my stiletto with its blade of Toledo steel. Many a fatal rib thrust has that little beauty delivered. But it was flung from my hand by some superhuman force before I'd even managed to get it off my foot.

"Who is like the beast and who can fight against it?" roared Osama, quoting with impressive accuracy for a Muslim from Revelation 13 verse four. I felt theologically out of my depth.

My hand went to my heart and met the old iron cross that Fabricius of Smyrna fashioned for me so many moons ago. I thrust it out in front of me, along with the Bible and a clove of garlic left over from the cooking.

The beast, Osama, the dragon, whatever it was, recoiled and seemed momentarily blinded. Sensing that it was now or never, I grabbed my untouched steak and plunged it through his heart, driving it home with the heel of my other stiletto.

He squirmed, screamed in a manner that I cannot reproduce in words, passed through a thousand shapes and patterns, each more ghastly than the last, then shuddered and shrivelled and fell dead on the floor of the yurt, shrunk once more to mortal dimensions.

I tossed him straightway into the lake of fire and brimstone where, according to Revelation 20, verse nine, he will be tormented day and night for ever and ever, then I collected my stuff, turned off the video, toddled down the hill and caught the bus back to Karachi. Sorry, John. I should have said.

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Blood on their hands?

I always thought that Ynet was a leftist website. At least that doesn't prevent them laughing at the craziness of the current political situation in Israel.

This could have come straight from Israel Satire Laboratories!

Blood on whose hands?

Avi Rath describes imaginary government session on release of Palestinian murderers

Published: 12.31.07, 00:07 / Israel Opinion

Prime minister: My government colleagues, I asked to hold this urgent session regarding the question of goodwill gestures. Two days have passed since we made the last gesture to our Palestinian friends. I certainly believe that if we are not quick to undertake additional gestures, the moderate factions on the other side would find it difficult to convince their people of the need for peaceful coexistence. I ask that the next list of prisoners to be released be prepared.

Respondent A: Mr. prime minister. The next list includes terrorists with blood on their hands!

Prime minister: I want to clarify this issue of “blood on their hands” once and for all. I’m starting to get sick and tired of those repeated chants of “blood on their hands”. They are all about demagoguery and hypocrisy. The precise definition of “blood” in my dictionary is “a red fluid containing tiny particles and providing oxygen and other nutrients to body cells, while removing waste.” And I ask you, my fellow government members, have you seen with your own eyes those tiny particles on the terrorists’ hands? Moreover, I checked in the dictionary the exact meaning of the word “hand”. The definition is very precise on the one hand, but certainly leaves room for interpretation on the other hand. According to the dictionary, “hand” means “any one of the two upper limbs of a person.” And I ask, what does “upper” mean exactly? Upper compared to what? What is this arrogance? And on top of that, you keep on challenging me with that slogan: Blood on their hands – and I ask: what do you mean by “on”? And what if the blood is only found on the fingertips? Or at the side of the arm?

Respondent B: Mr. prime minister. It will be difficult to face the public and explain to it morally and legally why we intend to release murders who did not even express remorse!

Prime minister: I’m surprised at you, my fellow ministers, over your basic lack of understanding in matters of Hebrew and morality. After all, “remorse” in Hebrew refers to a “feeling of regret over an act that was committed or decision that was taken.” Friends, we are talking about feelings here. And how can we demand freedom fighters to have any feelings? What is this arrogance? Are we prophets who can know when the feeling of regret will emerge, and when it will die down? And what is this talk about “difficult” and “public”? Who is this “public”? A bunch on stubborn teachers? A handful of greedy professors? Students facing strike? They are the ones who will determine what “blood” and what “hands” means?

Respondent C: With all due respect, sir. In the framework of the government culture we committed ourselves to, you pledged not to release despicable murderers.

Prime minister: Come on, dear friends. I regret to see that the nuances of our language are not clear to you. After all, a pledge is defined as a “promise to do something. A certainty”. And I ask you, is there anything certain around here? I have no intention to take back the words I said, and I have nothing to say about my original intentions. I ask that the list be brought to me.

Respondent D: Sir, how would we be able to direct our stare into the eyes of bereaved families whose loved ones were murdered by those killers?

Prime minister: My colleagues, what’s a stare exactly? After all, a stare is a “gaze, an intent look.” And if so, why do we need to direct anything here? Is there anyone lost here who needs directions? Friends, this session is over.

The statement to the press shall be as follows: “The government of Israel has decided to free from prison innocent human beings who as a result of their difficult childhood and realities of occupation saw tiny particles appear at the side of their upper limbs. We shall do so as a goodwill gesture aimed at boosting peace, tolerance, and humanism.”

Puff's not about drugs

Apparently Puff the Magic Dragon is nothing to do with marijuana. According to Peter Yarrow who wrote the song, it is really about rites of passage, and Jackie Paper becoming Bar Mitzvah.

Here is part of the the article from the Jerusalem Post

St. Louis - Peter Yarrow wants to make something clear: "Puff the Magic Dragon" is not a song about marijuana. And he should know. Yarrow co-wrote the nostalgic ballad as a student at Cornell University before teaming up with Noel Paul Stookey and Mary Travers to turn it into one of Peter, Paul and Mary's most beloved hits.
[Peter Yarrow. ]

Peter Yarrow.
Photo: Courtesy

It is, Yarrow insists, about the lost innocence of childhood. In the song, Puff the Magic Dragon and little Jackie Paper frolic in the autumn mist of a land called Honah Lee until one gray night Jackie Paper doesn't come. While dragons live forever, the lyrics tell us, not so little boys.

So Yarrow informs his audience at a performance this summer that despite the connections others might have made between the name of the song and its origins in the 1960s, "It's not about drugs. It's about getting bar mitzvaed."

You see, he says, "Jackie Paper grew up and he became bar mitzva. And at that point everybody said it's time to do away with childish things. You have to start dealing with life... One day he just knew he had to perform many acts, many mitzvas. He became so involved in that, that that's what Puff's about."

The explanation, which Yarrow admits is fanciful, still elicits a warm response of laughter and cheers from the members of the Coalition for the Advancement of Jewish Education for whom he is performing. At his earnest behest, scores of the Jewish educators in the audience - both those old enough to have caught "Puff" when it first hit the airwaves and those who only learned it from their parents - have come on stage to join Yarrow in his rendition of the classic tune. He hugs and kisses and poses for photos with as many of them as he can, all while filling them in on the deeper meaning of his words.

But we all know that the real Puff song is about much more than Bar Mitzvah. Check out this fantastic chipmunk style rendition of PUFF THE KOSHER DRAGON!

Amazing stuff Feivel Yosef. I don't know how you do it, but you had me in stitches.



And in case you want to sing along at home, here are the words:

Puff the Jewish dragon, lived in Palestine,
And frolicked in the synagogue and drank Manischewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Goldberg loved that dragon Puff,
And fed him lox and matzoh balls and other kosher stuff.

Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork,
Little Rabbi Goldberg took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat
That comes from little piggies that have dirty filthy feet.

Then Puff became Bar Mitzvah, put on tefillin every day,
Wrapped up in his tallis that's the way that he would pray;
Made brachos before eating, benched after every meal
Imagine how religious it made that dragon feel.

Now there were some people who did things just for spite.
They'd curse Jews and attack them just to get into a fight.
When Puff the dragon saw this, he roared a mighty roar
Now those wicked people are not with us anymore.

Now Puff the Jewish dragon found himself a bride,
Now little kosher dragons are his source of joy and pride.
They'll grow up doing mitzvahs, learning Torah, praying too,
With Rabbi Goldberg teaching them what kosher dragons do.

You who may be listening may think we're making fun,
But deep down in this story is a moral for everyone.
If dragons can wear a kippah, keep Shabbos and Kosher too,
Then you can learn, like Puff did, to be a real good Jew.

Erev Shabbos viewing

This doesn't really have anything at all to do with Judaism or Parshat Vayigash, but I was just reminiscing (again) about old TV shows. I was wondering whether there were any 'Vision On' clips on YouTube.

While looking for that I found this clip. Blue Peter is a long running British children's TV show (famous for using 'sticky back plastic' because they weren't allowed to mention the brand name 'sellotape'). I didn't grow up with Blue Peter, because they didn't show it in NZ, so I really wasn't expecting this to happen. This is one of the funniest clips I have seen for a while. Enjoy:



Oh, and by the way, here is Vision On, but this clip doesn't really do it justice.



Shabbat Shalom

Graphic Chanukah images

I saw this picture posted on hashkafa.com. It shows a chanukah crime scene, with a sufganiya (jelly donut) brutally attacked and murdered.



However, without wishing to justify violent crime, I would like to suggest that it may have been self-defence. I only ate one of them, and this is what they did to me!



(Picture courtesy of my almost 7 year old son Moshe Pesach)

Wishing you a very happy 'Zos Chanukah'. No more candles, no more sufganiyot. Now we can get on with winter and enjoying being miserable.

Microsoft Menorah in the Window (TM)

My neighbour has just put up Mezuzot on all the doors of the elevator (on every floor - don't even ask what the halachah is - (as Nike would say) just do it! Because apparently frumkeit is nothing to do with halachah or bein adam l'chaveiro).

That set me thinking. What other chumras are we lacking today? Specifically, what can we do to make our computers frumer?

By now I'm sure you all have your eMezuzah on your windows desktop.

eMezuzah

(this program will place a Mezuzah (your choice of Ashkenazi or Sefardi) on your desktop (either angled or straight) which you can kiss whenever you feel the urge. It also shows the entire text of the Mezuzah in either English or Hebrew).

hat tip to Michael

The real question, though, is whether you can put a chanukiah (or menorah if you prefer) in your Microsoft Window (TM).

We all know that the Chanukiah should be placed in a window facing a public domain. Provided you are connected to the (kosher) internet, your window is now facing the biggest public domain in the history of the world. Presumably this would enable you to do mehadrin min hamehadrin MIN HAMEHADRIN!

However, there is a problem, because Rabbi Tanchum in the Talmud (Shabbat 22a) tells us that a menorah placed lower than 10 tefachim or higher than 20 amot is not kosher. Since the internet is viewed at all altitudes one may think that a virtual chanukiah is therefore not kosher.

But if you read the next line in the Talmud you see that Rabbi Tanchum also says that when Yosef's brothers threw him in the pit, the pit was empty of water, but full of snakes and scorpions.

This is clearly the earliest extant reference to the internet. The internet is empty of water, but is full of snakes and scorpions, and many other dangerous things as well. So it seems that the Talmud is giving specific dispensation for an internet menorah.

The obvious question that arises is when to light your menorah. It must be lit after dark (or just before), but in virtual reality there is no time (and furthermore, everyone who sees your menorah is in a different time zone).

Obviously for this we can rely on the Baal HaTanya in Kuntres Acharon who writes that the kedusha applies according to the time that you are in. Therefore in cyberspace we would use cybertime which is always dark (the sun never shines in cyberspace), so until the markets close should be fine (obviously refering to e-bay and amazon.com as well as a host of others. This therefore seems to be a Talmudic way of saying 'when hell freezes over').

So, order yours today. For a modest fee you too can have a cyber menorah in your microsoft window!



Chanukah Sameach.

Bah! Humbug!

Kosher for Hamukah

WHOOPS!! This monumental goof was posted on Badvertising

This is what happens when political correctness is combined with rabid consumerism and complete lack of brains or knowledge!

Here is the thought process behind this.

We want to sell products to our Jewish customers too. We can't label everything for Xmas because that would be insensitive to our clientele. And we REALLY want to sell this product. So this is the sign we should put on it. (Please don't try this at home kids!)



Bah Humbug (or should that be Hambug?)

Phones are sooo 1975!

I sometimes wonder whether the current Israeli leadership understands what is going on. Perhaps they just don't see things properly. Or hear. Or think...

It seems that the government is out of touch with their electorate, world Jewish opinion, and current Arab and Palestinian thinking.

Perhaps they got their wires crossed.

This is a transcript of the conversation between President Gerald Ford and President Anwar Sadat just after the 'first' peace talks between Israel and Egypt.

After you have read it, go back and imagine it is Olmert phoning Abbas. Instead of all the politeness ("we would love to have you and your family to visit in the fall!") imagine Olmert is 'negotiating' in the only way he knows how - by offering more and more pieces of Israel with every line. (and of course, the last line is not "I'll write you a letter", but "I'll turn off the lights" when everyone has left the country).

Apparently this is true. It must be - I read it on the Jerusalem Post website!

Delighted at his success, the American president, Gerald Ford, immediately phoned Rabin in Jerusalem to express his congratulations. It was a four-minute call of unexceptional platitudes. He then telephoned Sadat in Alexandria.

What follows is the verbatim record of that call, courtesy of the Presidential Papers of Gerald Ford:

FORD: Hello. President Sadat?

SADAT: Hello. This is President Sadat.

FORD: How are you this morning? I wanted to call you and congratulate you on the great role that you played in the negotiations that have culminated in this agreement.

SADAT: Hello? [Inaudible]

FORD: Unfortunately, I don't hear you too well, Mr. President. I hope that my conversation is coming through more clearly. Let me express most emphatically on behalf of my government the appreciation for your statesmanship, despite adversity and some criticism, the spirit in which you have approached the need for an agreement. I am most grateful for the leadership that you have given, and look forward to continuing the work with you…

SADAT: Hello?

FORD: Hello. Can you hear me, Mr. President?

SADAT: Hello?

FORD: I am asking, can you hear me, Mr. President?

SADAT: This is President Sadat.

FORD: I am asking, can you hear me, Mr. President?

SADAT: Not very well.

FORD: I know that you and I recognize that stagnation and stalemate in the Middle East would have been potentially disastrous, and your leadership in working with secretary Kissinger and with the Israelis, all of us are most grateful for. And as we continue to work together, personally, as well as government-to-government…

SADAT: Hello? This is President Sadat speaking.

FORD: Yes, I can hear you, Mr. President. I hope you can hear me, Mr. President.

SADAT: President Ford? Hello.

FORD: I don't hear you too well, Mr. President.

SADAT: Is that President Ford speaking?

FORD: Yes, this is President Ford.

SADAT: Go ahead, please.

FORD: The connection, unfortunately, is not too good for me to hear your comments, Mr. President. Let me say, if I might, despite the difficulties, that Mrs. Ford and I hope that Mrs. Sadat and you and your children will visit the United States some time this fall. Secretary Kissinger has told me of the very warm hospitality that you have extended to him and Mrs. Kissinger, and we look forward to reciprocating when you come to the United States in the fall of 1975.

SADAT: Hello?

FORD: I regret that I can't hear you. The connection is very bad. I hope you can hear me and my comments from the United States. Mr. President, I understand that Secretary Kissinger is coming to Alexandria to personally deliver the documents for your initialing, and I have asked Henry to extend to you on that occasion the gratitude…

SADAT: Hello?

FORD: Hello, Mr. President.

SADAT: Hello, Mr. President.

FORD: I can hear you better now.

SADAT: Mr. President, I hope you and your family are well.

FORD: I am feeling very well, Mr. President, and I hope you are, too.

SADAT: I want to thank you for your personal message [Inaudible].

FORD: I, unfortunately, could not hear as well as I would like the last comments you made. The connection from here is not, apparently, as good as I hope you have there, but…

SADAT: I hear you quite well.

FORD: The efforts of Secretary Kissinger and myself, we feel, were completely worth what we have done, but our efforts could not have been successful without your leadership and statesmanship.

SADAT: Thank you, Mr. President, very much.

FORD: We will see you soon, I hope.

SADAT: We are looking forward to coming, with pleasure, and convey my good wishes to your family.

FORD: And my best to yours, sir.

SADAT: Thank you very much.

FORD: I would just wish to add…

SADAT: Hello?

FORD: Hello? [Inaudible].

SADAT: Hello! Hello!

FORD: I shall write you a letter.

SADAT: Hello.

At this point the line went dead.

Best Chanukah Album of All Time

Just in Time for Chanukah - The Best Chanukah Album of All Time has just been released.

Featuring such classic songs as:

Sevivon, Stomp, Stomp, Stomp.

I had a little dreidel (Oh when will you come back to me)

The Maoz Tzur Rock

Candles in the Night - (Frank Shin (Nun, Gimmel Heh) - atra)

The Ballad of Latkes and Oil

Candlelight Rock

Maccabee, 1, 2, 3

Antiochus Won't Destroy Us

Chanukah Gelt in the Moonlight

I want to Eat Some Latkes - W.A.S.P. (We Ate Some Pancakes)

'Peh' I hear You Calling (But I've Still Got 'Shin' Right Now) - K.I.S.S. (Kiss Is Shomer Shabbos)

Vayetze - the lighter side

I received this from AH, and with his permission am posting it here. I don't really understand it fully, so please don't ask me any kashyas from Rashi or Gemarahs.

But do leave feedback if you find it enhances your understanding of the Torah portion.



There is nothing that is not hinted to in the Torah. Please excuse any irreverance.

In reviewing the Parsha this year, I was struck by the many similarities between Yaacov Avinu and (LeHavdil) Mario of Super Mario Bros:

1. The obvious: Mario always wears a hat.
2. Both leave home and brother to strange lands in search of a wife.
3. Once he leaves, the place he left all but ceases to exist (Of course, the rest of his family is still there).
4. Yaacov and Mario do not die even after failing to dodge the first enemy (Elifaz). He loses everything but keeps on going.
5. They find a way to switch to another world and regain strength and reserves by filling up on Gold coins/ Torah. They emerge and continue on their way. No sleeping.
6. Yaacov gets to Charan but realizes that he somehow missed Har Hamoria (the stone with the mushroom). He goes back and ends up depending on bricks for protection from predators.
7. After eliminating the many stones and resting on the proper one, Yaacov/ Mario encounters a ladder going upwards. There are other worldly creatures ascending and decending.
8. Yaacov becomes invincible (Starman) and continues on his way. He does not attain fireball power.
9. Arriving at the well, Yaacov encounters others and single handedly performs superhuman feats. Mario attributes this strength to the Mushroom. Yaacov to Hashem.
10. Mario rescues Princess Peach from the evil clutches of King Bowser, king of the Koopas.

Top Ten Biblical Names

... That you probably won't name your kids:

In alphabetical order this time:


Number 1 Artaxerxes: Ezra 7:13-28.

Number 2 Merodach-baladan: Isaiah 39: 1

Number 3 Chedorlaomer: Bereishis 14

Number 4 Chushan-Rishathaim Shoftim 3: 8

Number 5 Gomer: HOshea 1: 3

Number 6 Hadadrimmon Zechariah 12: 11

Number 7 Ham: Bereishis 5: 32

Number 8 Ishbi-benob: Shmuel 2 21: 16

Number 9 Jeconiah: Divrei Hayamim 2 36: 9

Number 10 Maher-shalal-hash-baz: Isaiah 8: 1– 3

AND TWO BONUS NAMES I COULDN'T LEAVE OUT:

Number 11 Nun: Divre Hayamim 1 7: 26-7

Number 12 Rabmag: Yirmiyahu 39: 3,13

This is only part 1 of the list. There are so many great names in the Bible that are underused nowadays. Please feel free to add your own favourites. Keep watching for 'Top Ten Biblical Names that you probably won't name your kids' part 2. Coming soon

Payos 'product'

I was at the mikva this morning, and I saw this sitting in the 'lost and found'

Kerastase Bain Oleo-Curl
Shiny, supple and nourishing shampoo for dry, curly and rebellious hair.
Nourishes and softens the hair fiber for manageable hair and perfectly defined curls.
250ml

Who would have left something like that in the men's mikva? There aren't any female hair models there (usually). Then I realised - it is 'product' for Payos.

Don't think it is easy to get those curls in the flowing payos. Hours are spent each day, twisting, curling and fixing them to get that 'delicate, yet serious' look.

It is also good for that 'just washed' look, which can help you to avoid actually washing your hair (or your body) for weeks at a time.

I can see it now - a new range of product designed for the fashion conscious payos wearer - 'Gerrer Gel', 'Breslav Bounce' and 'Chasidic Curl', gels, moisturisers, conditioners, why the list is endless. And of course everything will come packaged in Haredi Black (inside a paper bag so the wife doesn't see it).

So, if you are going for the 'really frum' chasidic look, you know which is the product of choice.

And be warned. This is what could happen if you don't use these products!



(from chaptzem)

Top Ten Words that sound as though they are Yiddish but Aren't

Top Ten Words That Sound as though they are Yiddish, but Aren't:

Number 10 - Farfetched

Number 9 - Invocation

Number 8 - Flummoxed

Number 7 - Gobsmacked

Number 6 - Innersprung

Number 5 - Gerund

Number 4 - Forefinger

Number 3 - Henpecked

Number 2 - Scooped

AND the Number 1 Word That Sounds as though it is Yiddish, but Isn't is... - Gazumped

What would you add??

National Anthem

I was feeling nostalgic today, and found a clip of the New Zealand national anthem - "God Defend New Zealand) on youtube.

You can watch it here if you don't remember how it goes.



My co-worker pointed out to me how negative the title of the anthem is. New Zealanders just ask G-d to defend them. Whereas the Australians are singing "Advance Australia Fair" - they are charging ahead, NZers are just blocking the shots. (Of coures nobody would accuse the Ozzies of being 'fair' after the 1981 underarm bowling incident, but that is amother matter).

So I am going to start a petition to rename the New Zealand national anthem "God pre-emptively strike all our enemies (especially those with weapons of mass destruction) and strike them and smite them with bubonic plague and may they all stub their toes, before they even get close to thinking about coming anywhere near attacking New Zealand - and when the next rugby world cup comes along may New Zealand advance fair to the finals (where they should beat the Ozzies 107-3) and also may they do pretty well in the rowing, sailing, cricket and equestrian events". I know it doesn't scan quite as well, but it sums up the New Zealand spirit much more.

(as for those French, who have beaten us twice now - surely we can take them out, after all they are only children (enfants de la Patrie).

Israel's anthem is "Hatikva" - "the hope". Any suggestions for something better (this hoping doesn't seem to be working all that well at the moment. Perhaps "The (Wing and a) Prayer" would be better?)

demotivation

Woop-de-do! I have been blogging for almost exactly a year, and have had almost 5000 hits on my blog. Not setting any world records here am I! But it has been mostly fun (except when I blogged about something that upset some people, and they tried to get me fired from two jobs, as well as maligning me to my friends - that wasn't fun. I won't do it again unless I really want a fight). It has certainly been addicting. And I think I have become (slightly) more educated as I read what else is out there in the blogosphere. I now look at the world in a different way (what is the blog angle on that?) and have made several new virtual friends (including someone who sent me a Black Sabbath cd and dvd (I know - Heaven and Hell, but it is the same thing really). Thank you very much.

It is always exciting getting comments from people, especially those I don't know. It is amazing to think that other people read what I write and care enough to leave a comment about it.

But at the end of the day, I can't help feeling that the people at despair.com are right with this comment and t-shirt:

The Blogosphere is exploding- like a self-replicating supervirus bursting with mundane observations, bad poetry, and generously misrepresentative photos. Never have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

“What can be done to stop it?”,you ask, the alarm clearly palpable on your face.

“Don’t look at me with that innocent expression. I know you have a blog, too!”

“But so does Despair!, you retort, your voice faltering.

“The difference is that people actually READ ours!” I deftly counter.

And, of course, when confronted with that most painful of truths, tears well up in your eyes. You feel the familiar burning cheeks, those very same cheeks that have for years betrayed your vulnerability as others less gentle than I tormented you. The tyrannical bully who gave you atomic wedgies in junior high. The fetching green-eyed linebacker or cheerleader in your Home Economics class. The indifferent boss who yawns every time you start talking about the novel you plan to one day finish.

Only the stoniest of hearts wouldn’t be moved at the heart-rending spectacle you make of yourself in this moment of desperate frailty.

As I look at the sobbing sack of shoulders you become, the words well up in me, “Quiet you pencil-necked, Home EC taking wannabee novelist! Like I don’t have my own problems to deal with!”

But I swallow those words before they are spoken. And instead, moved by a force larger than myself, I offer you a cloth with which to wipe your tears. At first, you shrink away, knowing me too well, expecting the final blow to be delivered and somehow knowing deeply within yourself that you probably deserve it. But there is no such blow, no back-handed smackdown. I only shrug and offer the kind of pitying look that you fantasize millions might offer you if they would only read your blog and got to know that most secret side of you that you… can’t… stop…posting…onto…the Internet.

As you wipe the tears away, you feel something unfamiliar and alien on the cloth. A rubbery texture. You pull it away- seeing for the first time a screen-printed word.

You unfold it, the word becomes a phrase- the phrase becomes a joke, and the joke is on YOU!


MORE PEOPLE HAVE READ THIS SHIRT
THAN YOUR BLOG.


And now, oh the tears how the flow! One shirt proves not enough, and I hand you another, and then another, and with practiced fingers of a Classical Pianist, you reduce them all into your personal snotrags, blubbering away, desperate to escape to a computer, any computer, where you can recount yet another moment in another chapter of an impossibly inconsequential drama that you continue to foist upon the two regular readers of your blog who aren’t you*.

Mustering as much dignity as is possible when unknowingly sporting a dried mucus plug in your left nostril, you state calmly, “I’m going home.”

“I understand,”I reply,“There’s something you need to do.”

“Yes. There is. Goodbye.”

And you run, faster even than your still-open right nostril does. Yet you are not so fast that my final words do not sting in your ears, “You know you gotta pay for those shirts!

Chumra of the Week Club

Sorry if this has done the rounds already - I thought it was hysterical.



Yonaty and Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin are pleased to introduce:

The Chumra of the Week Club

• Are you concerned that people don't notice and appreciate your yiras
shomayim?

• Do you sometimes get the feeling that your neighbor is observing
more chumras than you?

• Have you ever noticed someone looking at your tefillin during
shacharis as though there were something wrong with them?

• Do people occasionally hesitate when you extend them an invitation
to eat at your home, or ask what hashgachos you rely on?

• Has anyone ever said to you in surprise: "Oh, are you maikel?"

If you have ever been faced by any of these mortifying scenarios, The
Chumra of the Week Club (CWC) is for you!

CWC is a new concept in real, authentic, ostentatous Yiddishkeit.
Never again will you be upstaged! Never again will you be at a loss
for a chumra! We supply you weekly with the very best in conspicuous
yiras shomayim! (Please note that due to lack of demand for "bein adam
l'chaveyro" chumras, all CWC chumras are "bein adam lamakom".)

Special Introductory Offer (limited time only): Join now and
immediately receive three free chumras from our database (from the
categories of your choice) as our introductory gift to you.
Thereafter, each Friday you will receive full source material for a
new, exciting, additional chumra which you can immediately put into
use. Within a short time you will have amassed a chumra list that will
amaze your friends and make you the envy of your kollel or shul.

Guarantee: We absolutely GUARANTEE all our chumras to be of the
highest quality! Our full-time staff is busy combing the Bar Ilan CD
ROM for the most obscure strictures. (Note that with Super-frum and
Over-the-top membership you can receive even more obscure and
personalized chumras - guaranteed to dumfound both friend and foe.)

Return Policy: If you are not delighted with any chumra you receive
from us, you may return it for exchange within 7 days of receipt - no
questions asked. Simply state the reason for the return (to help us
serve you better in future), and the category from which you wish to
receive your replacement chumra.

Reasons for return may include (but are not limited to):

• You are already observing a chumra of equal or greater stringency.
(Unlikely, as our chumras are hand-picked for uniqueness and
stringency.)

• You know someone who is already observing the same chumra.

• The chumra is not noticeable enough.

• The chumra does not inconvenience other people

• Keeping the chumra would involve personal hardship

Accompanying Factsheet: Our chumras come from a wide range of
lesser-known achronim, including: the "Pi Ha'ason," and the "Shtus
Vehevel." Each chumra comes complete with a fully annotated fact sheet
that includes:

• A photocopy of the source material

• A list of justifications for your chumra

• Suggestions on how to introduce the chumra into casual conversation

• Member feedback and success stories

Don't suffer any longer! Don't sit back as others beat you in the race
to the top! Join CWC today and benefit from the special introductory
offer! Start your own personal database of show-stopping chumras by
completing the form overleaf and mailing it to us with your payment
TODAY!

בעהי"ת

CWC – MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM

Please complete form and send, with your cheque, to The Chumra of the
Week Club, c/o Yonaty Design and Publishing, 12/13 Shalom Bonayich,
Netivot 87804, Israel.

Title (check one):

□ Harav

□ Harav Hagaon

□ Harav Hatzaddik

□ Hagaon Hatzaddik

□ Kvod Kodsho

□ Moreinu Verabeinu

□ Adoneinu Moreinu Verabeinu

□ Hamara De'asra

□ G'dol Hador

□ Other (please specify): __________________

Name ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________

(You must be able to supply genealogical data for the past four
generations to be eligible for CWC).

Surname: _______________

Address: ___________________________________________________________

Phone: ____________ email: __________________

MEMBERSHIP TYPE

Indicate the level of membership you wish to purchase (check one):

□ Regular (one new, eye-popping stringency per week - $500 p/a)

□ Super-frum (same as Regular PLUS one super-unusual chumra every six
months - $650 p/a)

□ Over-the-top (same as Super-frum PLUS an annual chumra tailor-made
for you, and guaranteed to be totally unique - $950 p/a.)

PERSONAL INFO

To help us custom-tailor your personal chumra selection, please circle
the following, as applicable:

1) Litvak / Chassidic / Sephardic

2) FBB / BT

3) Type of coat worn (check one):

□ short - single breasted

□ short - double-breasted

□ knee-length - Two buttons on back? ( YES / NO )

□ ankle-length

□ drags on floor

Years in kollel _______ Current occupation: _____________________________

SPECIAL OFFER

Yes, please rush me my three introductory chumras by return post!
(Check three categories below from which you would like to receive
your free chumras):

□ Food - Fleishigs

□ Food - Milchigs

□ Davening

□ Clothing

□ Tefillin and Tzitzis

□ Miscellaneous

All Creatures Great and Small

Perek Shira presents the the words of praise and gratitude which all of G-d's Creation sing every day.

A Bisele Babka has posted a link to 25 of the World's Most Interesting Animals.

I wonder what kind of song they would sing? Here are my suggestions (but please, this is only a joke. I know that Perek Shira is serious. Just send me your song titles and don't get too excited)

R.e.m - Shiny Happy People

The blobfish (Psychrolutes marcidus) is a fish that inhabits the deep waters off the coasts of Australia and Tasmania. Due to the inaccessibility of its habitat, it is rarely seen by humans.

Blobfish are found at depths where the pressure is several dozens of times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient. To remain buoyant, the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front it.

Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl

Tarsiers are prosimian primates of the genus Tarsius, a monotypic genus in the family Tarsiidae, which is itself the lone extant family within the infraorder Tarsiiformes. The phylogenetic position of extant tarsiers within the order Primates has been debated for much of the past century, and tarsiers have alternately been classified with strepsirrhine primates in the suborder Prosimii, or as the sister group to the simians (=Anthropoidea) in the infraorder Haplorrhini. Analysis of SINE insertions, a type of macromutation to the DNA, is argued to offer very persuasive evidence for the monophyly of Haplorrhini, where other lines of evidence, such as DNA sequence data, had remained ambiguous. Thus, some systematists argue that the debate is conclusively settled in favor of a monophyletic Haplorrhini.

Tarsiers have enormous eyes and long feet. Their feet have extremely elongated tarsus bones, which is how they got their name. They are primarily insectivorous, and catch insects by jumping at them. They are also known to prey on birds and snakes. As they jump from tree to tree, tarsiers can catch even birds in motion. Gestation takes about six months, and tarsiers give birth to single offspring. All tarsier species are nocturnal in their habits, but like many nocturnal organisms some individuals may show more or less activity during the daytime. Unlike many nocturnal animals, however, tarsiers lack a light-reflecting area (tapetum lucidum) of the eye. They also have a fovea, atypical for nocturnal animals.

RINGO STARR - YOU'RE SIXTEEN (YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU'RE MINE)

The Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis) is a strepsirrhine native to Madagascar that combines rodent-like teeth with a long, thin middle finger to fill the same ecological niche as a woodpecker. It is the world’s largest nocturnal primate, and is characterized by its unique method of finding food; it taps on trees to find grubs, then gnaws holes in the wood and inserts its elongated middle finger to pull the grubs out.

Daubentonia is the only genus in the family Daubentoniidae and infraorder Chiromyiformes. The Aye-aye is the only extant member of the genus (although it is currently an endangered species); a second species (Daubentonia robusta) was exterminated over the last few centuries.

Alice Cooper - Elected

The Axolotl (or ajolote) (Ambystoma mexicanum) is the best-known of the Mexican neotenic mole salamanders belonging to the Tiger Salamander complex. Larvae of this species fail to undergo metamorphosis, so the adults remain aquatic and gilled. The species originates from the lake underlying Mexico City. Axolotls are used extensively in scientific research due to their ability to regenerate most body parts, ease of breeding, and large embryos. They are commonly kept as pets in the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Japan (where they are sold under the name Wooper Rooper, and other countries.

Axolotls should not be confused with waterdogs, the larval stage of the closely related Tiger Salamanders (Ambystoma tigrinum and Ambystoma mavortium), which is widespread in much of North America which also occasionally become neotenic, nor with mudpuppies (Necturus spp.), fully aquatic salamanders which are unrelated to the axolotl but which bear a superficial resemblance.

Little Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired Lover From Liverpool

The Angora rabbit is a variety of domestic rabbit bred for its long, soft hair. The Angora is one of the oldest types of domestic rabbit, originating in Ankara, Turkey, along with the Angora cat and Angora goat. The rabbits were popular pets with French royalty in the mid 1700s, and spread to other parts of Europe by the end of the century. They first appeared in the United States in the early 1900s. They are bred largely for their long wool, which may be removed by shearing or plucking (gently pulling loose wool).

There are many individual breeds of Angora rabbits, four of which are ARBA recognized. Such breeds include, French, German, Giant, English, Satin, Chinese, Swiss, Finnish, to name a few.

Bob Marley - Buffalo Soldier

(Of course his name must be Se-Lassie - get it?)

Females are 27 inches (69cm) at the withers. Male Komondorok are a minimum of 28 inches at the withers, but many are over 30 inches tall, making this one of the larger common breeds of dog. The body is not overly coarse or heavy, however, and people unfamiliar with the breed are often surprised by how quick and agile the dogs are.

Its long, thick, strikingly corded white coat (the heaviest amount of fur in the canine world) resembles dreadlocks or a mop. The puppy coat is soft and fluffy. However, the coat is wavy and tends to curl as the puppy matures. A fully mature coat is formed naturally from the soft undercoat and the coarser outer coat combining to form tassels, or cords. Some help is needed in separating the cords so the dog does not turn into one large matted mess. The length of the cords increases with time as the coat grows. Shedding is very minimal with this breed, contrary to what one might think (once cords are fully formed). The only substantial shedding occurs as a puppy before the dreadlocks fully form. The Komondor is born with only a white coat, unlike the similar-looking Puli, which is usually white, black or sometimes grayish. However, a working Komondor’s coat may be discolored by the elements, and may appear off-white if not washed regularly.

wikipedia deletions

It is still too hot to function. Maybe life would be better if these entries had remained on wikipedia (unfortunately they were deleted). Still, if you can't laugh, think about it again and then maybe it will be funny!

Water on Mars

"There is water on Mars"



Evidently, there is also glass and a plastic wrapper and now MY JAWS!

Coca-Cola in the Wild

In its natural state, Coca-Cola is docile until attacked, when it will spray sweet liquid on the predator. It has many foes, such as:

* Teens
* Children
* Parents
* Movie-goers

Yet it is often found and eaten. It does many things to protect itself. It may 'accidentally' tip over when frightened, or disguise itself as the less popular Pepsi or Dr. Pepper. Still, even with its most creative attempts, its foes still find it.

In the wild, it stays in packs of 5-23 other cans. Sadly, many packs have been taken into captivity, where rings are put tightly around their middles and the cans are put into boxes. They are then sold to people who take them to houses, where they will not be fed or allowed to roam around.

See Also:

* Coca-Cola
* Pepsi
* Dr Pepper


[EDIT] Actually, organic farming allows for free-roaming.

(EDIT) It doesn't say organic does it edit boy?

This is simply because 90% of all Coca-Cola isn't organically cultivated. Organic and free-range Coca-Colas are more expensive and generally sold only in natural foods markets.

From C is for Cookie

C is for Cookie can be regarded as a case study in persuasive oratory, emphasizing the emotional aspect of public speaking. Cookie Monster builds excitement by answering his opening rhetorical question, "Now what starts with the letter C?" with the obvious reply, "Cookie starts with C!" He then challenges the audience, "Let's think of other things that starts with C," before quickly replying, "Oh, who cares about the other things?" casually dismissing a whole range of other possibilities as irrelevant. Thus, having ostensibly come for the purpose of covering the letter C in its entirety, Cookie Monster has already focused his agenda exclusively on cookies, employing the classic bait and switch tactic. Several times in his presentation, Cookie Monster emphasizes what appears to be the central thesis of his remarks: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me!" The appealing rhythm of this slogan appears designed to entrance listeners, swaying their emotions and making them instinctively want to chant along with him. After rousing the crowd, Cookie Monster systematically lays out the logical underpinnings of his pro-cookie ideology, comparing cookies to round donuts with one bite out of them and to the moon during its crescent phase, in essence using a straw man argument that implies his opponents would advocate the superiority of these competitors over cookies. In this sense, Cookie Monster may be proposing a false dichotomy representing cookies as the only viable choice to a group of obviously inferior alternatives. But before the audience has a chance to catch on, Cookie Monster launches into another round of repetitive chanting, "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me, yeah!" as young children sing along. Here, Cookie Monster uses a propaganda technique strikingly similar to that employed in George Orwell's Animal Farm by the pig Napoleon, who trained the farm's sheep to bleat, "Four legs good, two legs bad" on his cue. Cookie Monster then adds visual stimulation to his discourse by chomping into a large cookie, concluding his remarks with "Umm-umm-umm-umm-umm" and other chewing sounds.

[I would like to distastefully add that the cookie monster has now gone healthy. when offered both carrot and cookie, he now pick's the carrot! What is this world coming to... I mean, carrots and salad in general is what food eats. SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!